Reviewed by Paul J Zickler
Released: 1980 Picture Picture 1 Genre: Metal Rating: 2.5 out of 5 Highlights: He's A Player Short version: This is an album by a Dutch metal band with some dumb lyrics, some dumb chord changes, some dumb solos, and some dumb sound effects. If you like this kind of music, maybe you would like it. If not, maybe not. I found one song charmingly dumb and liked it. I found another song annoyingly dumb, and I didn’t like it. The rest was just … metal. Long version: “She’s a girl from a dirty neighborhood / She wants your love / She is looking good / She will fight for your love, mate / She always thinks that she is great / Well she’s a dirty street fighter.” Look, I’m a very open minded person. I listen to all kinds of stuff and try to find value in it. But these lyrics are just dumb, OK? Not outsider dumb, not unreliable narrator dumb, not cute and lovable dumb. Just dumb. Song one has really dumb lyrics. It was hard to notice much else. The name of this band is Picture. They’re from the Netherlands. The band members’ names are Rinus, Laurens, Jan and Ronald. This was their first album, titled 1. They play very loud, very hard rock music. It’s entirely possible that they’re really great, or that they’re really terrible. Honestly, I don’t have the expertise in listening to this kind of music to tell you with certainty which it is. I can tell that the second song starts with some held chords, then the drums come in. I can tell you that the lyrics are about rocking and losing control and breaking up with a girl from home while on the road and life being better because of that. I can tell you that there’s a solo in the middle that mostly involves playing around the root note, then playing around the fifth. I can tell you that, at the end of the song, there’s a part where they play the same two chords over and over, faster and faster, for about 30 seconds, then the song ends. Is this good? I’m not sure. At the beginning of the third song, there’s an explosion sound effect, then the beat gets faster and they repeat a riff that sounds like a hundred other riffs I’ve heard before. The singer sings a really high note, like REALLY high. The music slows way down and there’s a guitar solo based on the pentatonic scale with some parts that repeat two notes over and over very quickly, and some parts with long, sustained, bent notes. Then there’s another explosion, and the beat gets very fast again. “Bombs are falling / Better check out in your head / All around these valleys / Soon there will be people dead / Dead / Dead / Dead/ BOMBERS!” (very high note) Then they repeat another riff I’ve heard a hundred times, and the singer sings the word “bombers” repeatedly on that same, very high note. Then they hold one chord for a while, then another chord for a while, then there’s an explosion. Is this good? I don’t know. The fourth song is very slow, with very heavy bass, as the singer begs someone to “Run away from me no more!” Then there’s a solo, mostly over some power chords, although there’s also what sounds like a ninth chord in there, probably just a barre of all the strings on one fret or even open strings. After the second verse, there’s a one note solo with a kind of muted effect, maybe using a wah pedal, maybe not. Then they repeat a simple riff until there’s a two second pause. That happens twice. Then the rhythm gets really fast and chugga chugga. “You better stay right there / I know you wouldn’t dare / Don’t you feel / That it is real?” Wait, this is a different song. So the second two second pause was actually the pause between song four and song five. Is that good? This song is called “One Way Street.” It’s all chugga chugga rhythms with some guitar solos and mostly the singer going “One way stree-eet / one way stree-eet.” The chord progression is basically 12 bar blues with a slight variation before the chorus, which is just two chords over and over until the break, which is more complicated. Then it fades out. Neither song four nor song five seem particularly good to me, but I’m not certain. Song six has a kind of bluesy feel. “We all knew / What you didn’t wanna know / She’s a hooker / We knew that she would blow / You were too proud / Havin’ a girl on your arm / She only used you / So now you’re alone / You’re a fool.” Super relatable, right? Who among us hasn’t had a friend who dated someone we all knew was a prostitute and ended up with a broken heart? Oh wait, that’s never happened to me. But maybe it’s happened to the typical metal fan. Maybe I’m just not the right demographic for this music. Maybe it’s really brilliant. Like the part that goes “Everybody’s laughing at you in this town,” followed by loud, maniacal laughter – that could be brilliant. I don’t know. Seems sorta dumb. But maybe if I was a different person I would find it deliciously funny. Song seven starts out “Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!” on a really high, half sung, half screamed note. It’s another fast chugga chugga song with double time drums. The drummer is really working hard on this one. There’s some machine gun style guitar stuff in this song too. “You think you’re great / You think you’re climbing a wall / You will be nothing / You better notice my girl / Get back or you fall.” Either that one was kind of good, or I’m just getting used to listening to this music. I mean it was still dumb, but it bothered me less. The bass part of song eight is kind of interesting. It starts out sounding like a Rickenbacher, going pretty fast, then all of a sudden there’s what must be a synthesizer, which swoops in under the last part of the verse and into the chorus, which is just one line: “Rockin’ in your brains!” The swoopy synthesizer must be intended to rock the music into my brains. I’m listening to this album on headphones, mostly because I don’t want my wife to have to hear it because I know she wouldn’t like it. But I’m actually glad this one is on headphones. It’s undeniably dumb, but at least I get to hear that swoopy synth bass rocking into my brains. OK, song nine, so we’re almost done, right? “He’s a player / He plays a guitar / Really great and he plays so loud / He’s a swinger / He’s a rocker / Listen to him swing it out.” This is followed by a wordless chorus where the singer tries to imitate a very high guitar riff. “Doo doo doo doo da doo / Doo doo doo doo da dee” etc. As previously pointed out, I have no idea if this is good or bad. I mean, it’s dumb, of course, but maybe it’s charmingly dumb. Or maybe it’s brilliantly dumb. What I do know is that it’s only 2:24 long, so it’s a highlight for me! The last song is not 2:24. It’s 7:19. As you might be able to predict if you grew up in the 70s and 80s, a song that’s over 7 minutes by a metal band MUST open with acoustic guitars. “Last night / Walkin’ on the street / I saw this stranger comin’ in / I felt / I felt / I felt a terrible heat / It filled my body with wind. / The air / The air was travelin’ / It was / It was so wet / The air / Was glowing / And then it disappeared.” Electric guitar. But only for a second. Fake out. Back to the acoustics and the overwrought singer for another verse. OK, now the electric guitars are here. There are only two chords in this song, the root and the relative minor. There’s a very *meaningful* solo over acoustic strumming for what feels like hours, but the song is less than half over. Wordless harmonies. “Last week / I laid in bed / Felt a strange / Thing in my head / There’s growin’ / There’s growin’ something inside / I was afraid / I wanted to hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide!” Electric guitars play the two chords. There is a solo that is, I’m sorry, very much exactly like someone trying to sound like Jimmy Page and failing. Quiet again, bass playing two notes over and over. And the singer repeats the first part again. I won’t type it out this time. You can scan up and read it. Hint: it’s really really dumb. Then begins the “Whoa Oh Whoa” part. It’s still only two chords, but now they are SO. MUCH. LOUDER. Finally at around 6:30, the beat starts to speed up. Thank god! That means it’s almost over. The beat gets faster and faster, the guitars and bass play the same two chords faster and faster, then they hold the root chord for a while, and it’s over. Is that good? I will answer. No, it is not. It is not good. It is dumb, it is derivative of music I actually do know, and it is not played or sung with any particular skill or creativity. I can say with certainty that the last song, Fear, is not good. Whew, I feel so much better being able to pass judgment on at least part of this album. I liked He’s A Player. I did not like Fear. I described the rest of the songs to the best of my ability. My work here is finished.
No comments:
Post a Comment