The 1980 Listening Post - Witchfynde - Stagefright

 Witchfynde - Stagefright

#425

by Luca Barnacles

October 1980

Witchfynde

Stagefright

Genre: NWOBHM, allegedly

Allen’s Rating: 2.5 out of 5

Rob’s rating: 2.0625 out of 5

Highlights: None. The uniformity of the mediocrity is flawless.

The opening title track answers the rightfully unasked question “What would The Decemberists’ Hazards of Love album (which I love) sound like as a This Is Spinal Tap (which I also love) sequel?” This is the crux of Witchfynde: a band hellbent on delivering previously neglected bad ideas.

To answer the question Witchfynde poses in the very next track, “are they doing the right thing?” no, they very decidedly are not, unless you believe the right thing is the product of a bizarre quadratic equation where Uriah Heep times some Lesser Thin Lizzy = whatever the hell this stuff is.

Wake Up Screaming is the least convincing Satanist stuff I’ve ever heard. I’d find Michael Buble’s confession of an undying love for Mr. Crowley more believable.

Moon Magic explores the previously lost territory discarded by a 2nd tier Journey tribute band stretching their legs in Van Halen’s backyard, while Trick Or Treat stands both as a reference standard for Pointless Noodle Rock and an incredible disappointment to all of us who love a good Halloween song.

The closing power ballad Madeline truly is, to borrow a phrase, “treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry”. Especially the bad, bad, oh so very bad poetry part.

In conclusion, Witchfynde’s Stage Fright album reminds me of a band called Pinch, who used to play The Cricket Lounge in Ashland, Massachusetts around the time this album was released. The most memorable thing about Pinch for me was the time my underage girlfriend barfed sloe gin fizzes in my lap during their set. I don’t even remember what Pinch sounded like, and that tells you everything you need to know about Witchfynde.

I saw Pinch’s lead singer about 9 months ago at the Ashland VFW. He wasn’t performing or anything, he was at the after party for my friend Bill’s Mom’s funeral.

The Cricket Lounge is now a commuter rail parking lot. But Witchfynde lives, waiting to be forgotten by yet another generation. Sadly, you missed them at “the Brofest warm up show in February 2020 at Trillions in Newcastle”.

https://open.spotify.com/album/30xfhKBaB10mGvccRWiaWZ?si=Esms-ekUS26B7hRXryb2Kw

The 1980 Listening Post - Witchfynde - Give 'em Hell

Witchfynde - Give 'em Hell

#68

Reviewed by Tom Mott

February 1980

Witchfynde

Give ‘em Hell

Allen’s Rating: 4 out of 5

Tom’s Rating: 2.666 out of 5

Tom’s HIGHLIGHTS:

Ready to Roll

Tetelestai  

Rating: 2.666

SUMMARY: A sludgy stew of pub rock, Dio riffs, proggy tidbits, and Mickey-Thomas/Brad-Delp-ish vocals, with really boring guitar solos. Some of the songs have potential, but run 1-2 minutes too long. Listen to Dio, Judas Priest, or Scorpions instead. Or Boston and Starship. Or wait for Guns and Roses. Or dial back the clock and listen to Dr. Feelgood or Orang-utan. Do I detect shades or Yes in there, without the musicianship? Maaaaaaybe .....

REVIEW: I'm not a metal guy. Nor a metylle gye. Happily this New Wave of British Heavy Metal band barely registers as metal, so I can judge it and not feel like I'm yucking someone's yum.

READY TO ROLL: Rating 3.5. Strong rock riffs, almost metal, oddly offset by Boston-ish vocals. Maybe he's going for a Dio thing? I love Dio. I hate this guy.

THE DIVINE VICTIM: Rating 3.0. Opens with very cool, crunchy riffs. But then that weird Brad Delp wannabe starts singing again and I want to throw my shoe at him. I love Boston singles, but this isn't Boston-style rock. Just stop.

LEAVING NADIR: Rating 0.9. So tedius I don't have the strength to correct my spelling. I'm throwing my other shoe. Something about "the devil" -- maybe he's prepping eggs for a backyard potluck? What are the rules, Allen? Can I fast forward? This song is 6:12 too long.

GETTIN' HEAVY. Rating 1.53. AllMusic lists this as GETTIN' DEAVY. Spotify lists it as GETTING' HEAVY. It's The Song that Must Not be Named. Sample Lyric: "Met a pretty lady, it was meant to be. [Indecipherable jibber-jabber]." 

INTO THE AGES OF THE AGES. Rating 2.2. Someone smoked pot and came up with the title. And then they were all "oh shit, now we have to write the song. Let's make it really long, because 'ages of the ages' get it, get it?" It started as a 2.7, but after I realized I wasn't even a third of the way through, it dropped a half point.

PAY NOW - LOVE LATER. Rating 3.0. Starts out as a crunchy pub rocker. OK! And then fuhg ... his voice. Is replacing a comma with a hyphen part of the Nü Metal punctuation pantheon, or are thery striking out into new territory here?

THE DEVIL'S GALLOP. Rating 4.0. A 30-second Monty Pythonesque interlude that makes no sense but gets 2 stars for audacity and 2 more for brevity.

TETELESTAI. Rating 3.7. Standout track. Some proto Sweet Child of Mine guitar sounds in there. A fun rocker with solid solos. But then like King Sadim, everything his voices touches turns to crap. (See what I did there?) Dammit, just when I thought it was over, it was only half over. But lo! The instrumental bit that kicks off the second half is some great rawk. Well done! 

WAKE UP SCREAMING. Rating 1.3. "I'm burning. Burning!" Get this man some Preparation H. Awful.

SOME TRACKS NAME-CHECKED IN THE REVIEW: 

Orang-utan "Chocolate Piano"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsTmyExEwxs

Dio "Holy Diver"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lvs2FzF64o

Starship "Find Your Way Back"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dj4gqJzlIvc

Dr. Feelgood "She Does It Right"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iHm7uIC84YM

Yes "Starship Trooper"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKftiJS30Cs

Bonus: The best thing you'll ever read about Axl Rose. I promise: 

https://www.gq.com/story/final-comeback-axl-rose

https://open.spotify.com/album/7jMFN7LkoLR5Z2ub38Zo9E?si=3dySyh5uRPqfz0bVt2tCtw

The 1983 Listening Post - Witchfynde - Cloak and Dagger

Witchfynde - Cloak and Dagger

#200
November 1983
Witchfynde
Cloak and Dagger
0.5 out of 5

As long as you don’t think Witchfynde is taking themselves seriously this album kicks off with a hoot. Trouble is, they are taking themselves seriously and want you to take them that way as well.
“The Devil’s Playground” is exactly the kind of performance one would expect from a metal parody band. Luther Beltz’s shrieking cracks me up.
I’m sure there are Witchfynde fans out there…cuz everyone has parents.
Sigh.
1983 is a long year, man.